So today is the last day of the 1st two weeks being back at work. I am on modified hours so I have been only working 4 hours for 3 days each week. Next week I will be increasing that by 1 day and 2 hours. So instead of working mon - wed 9am to 1pm I will be working mon - thurs 9am to 3pm for the next 2 weeks. I am a little nervous for the reason that I am not totally convinced I am fully ready. I have been experiencing some small panic & anxiety attacks, nothing like I was prior to the time off but certainly still there.
I am not giving up. I am pushing myself past those attacks and hoping that things getbetter and that the attacks will stop. I am not sure if this is the right job for meanymore. Things here at work I've been told has changed for the better but I am not convinced but I can't be sure afterall it's only been 2 weeks.
I am happy to be up and working again regardless of the type of work it is. I think what hit me the most was that I hate being useless. And I really felt useless for the majority of the time I was off. I could barely function when I was out, although I will give myself a little credit I certainly didn't look as though I was barely holding on. But even going to the small park with my daughter for an hour exhausted me. And whenever we went to the park she would be the only child there and I didn't haveto chase her because it is closed in and everything in the park is for children her age. I was more adventurous than that a few times, I took Min to some playdates with other children and the entire time I was a nervous wreck. I was suffering bad panic attacks and she was not behaving so it added to the awful feelings I was having.
Right now I feel tired but I often can't sleep. I lay in bed for hours and nothing.I have a headache almost everyday and I am not getting any better in the way of further progress. Maybe there is just nothing I can do. But I have been told that the progress I have been feeling is not real. I am just making myself believe I am feeling better. I've never been that fond of medications. Not even the antibiotics they give you for infections and such. Although I do take them I don't like to. It wasa hard decision for me to even start taking medications for this. I am not a veryconfrontational person but I had a hard time trying not to keep my opinions to myself.I felt like I needed to defend myself. The medication I am on may not be the best one to be on but it's not something I took on lightly or without long thought. I will talk to my doctor to see if there is something else or what the best course of action willbe.
Anyhow this is what is going on with me as of today. Have A Great Weekend such as it is....
2 comments:
The sad truth is the attacks won't go away. That is not going to change, what will change is your ability to cope with them. I still get panic attacks, but instead of being paralyzed with fear and unable to leave the house or even move for hours at a time, I now have brief moments of panic that I am able to completely absorb. Now I control them instead of them controlling me.
The first step is the hardest and you've already done that.
Stick with it, it will get better.
Thank you for your continued support. You don't know just how important you are to me!
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