I have just been told "I don't want to be your friend because you didn't call me to say you will not be going to my dinner/get together".
I am tired of highschool games that people play even when it's been a long time since they've been out of highschool. Games like "I'm not going to be your friend because you didn't call me" when they didn't bother to call or return your email to find out if there was a problem and you just couldn't call. How pathetic can a person be to end a friendship without finding out why there was a good reason they hadn't called.
Maybe there was a medical reason they couldn't call. They were sick and unable to care for themselves. Maybe they tried but the other person wasn't available due to Work, their family took priority over the friend they are ending the friendship with. Maybe illness of an immediate family took priority. If "the friend" can put their family 1st why can't the friend that didn't call do the same?
Friendships are important. I am a strong believer of this. But everyone has different things that go on in their lives. Different priorities.
For an example:
A single person has priorities that include only what's important to them. They do not have to answer to anyone but themselves. They have no one to put first before themselves. They have the time to properly nurture the friendships they have, or you would think they do but sometimes it's not so because they have soo many "close" friends it's hard to schedule them all in.
A married person has different priorities. They have to be accountable to their spouse. They have to know what is important to themselves and their spouse. Time is even limited to doing things with each other alone to nurture that relationship. What they do effects that relationship. And they have to think about their spouse's feelings as well as their own. Sometimes they have to put friendships on hold while they deal with an issue in the marriage.
A married person with child\ren have even different priorities. Their priority is he same the married person but now their 1st priority is the child or children. Everyone takes a backseat to the child. Themselves, their spouse, their friends and extended family. Having fun is not the most important thing on their minds anymore. It's the child's health, the roof over their head, the food in their bellies, their mental and physical development. Going out with the guys is not a priority anymore. Even if they'd want to go out with the guys they can't because most times until the child is old enough to look after themselves the person has little time for their spouse, let alone for themselves or their friends. And it gets impossible when there's an illness occurring in the immediate family (husband, wife and/or child/ren).
All these being considered single people need to realize that they have different priorities than the married or married with children friend. And to me only a TRUE friend who is single or married without children would not abandon a friend without PROPER discussion beforehand to see if the absence or the inability to nurture the friendship was intentional or just because circumstances were not ideal to do it during a period of time.
If I am being overly opinionated or in your view just plain wrong let me know. I would love to have a discussion about this. And what different peoples opinions are to this situation/problem.
2 comments:
The ending of a friendship is seldom a pretty thing. Sometimes people just grow and change in different ways and the differences become so vast that there is not enough common ground to sustain the relationship. Sometimes the only thing "old friends" still have in common is their shared past.
I know how you feel, as I lost some friends when I became a Mum (don't know about being married as I got preggers so soon after getting married.) It doesn't mean the lost friend is a bad person, or a mean person, or are actively trying to be cruel, they just honestly don't understand the huge changes a baby brings. It's very hard to understand the impact it will have on your life until it is in fact impacting your life. Chances are, even if you made a perfect explanation of the exact situation, it may be beyond the understanding of said friend as they have no frame of reference and they think you are either exaggerating or just unwilling to squeeze them in. I know for a fact childless people do not understand how simply exhausting children are, and that after a full day with a child (or a full days at work sandwiched by caring for a child in the morning and evening) all you want to do is relax, and there is no energy for a social life. I know that I didn't understand it before I became a parent.
But if it's any consolation, you are opened up to a whole new circle of parents and "baby friends"
Actually some of the friends I lost came back again once they themselves had children, as then gained a greater understanding for my situation, and their priorities shifts and became more in line with my own. You know that I myself fell off the face of the earth for about 8 months.
Anyhoo, my thoughts/ advice on the subject is as follows; try not to harbor any resentment or bitterness, life is just too short. If they truly don't understand / want to understand, it's not worth the energy to try and convince them. Plus nothing is ever forever, and it is possible for you to close a door but not lock it, or to unlock a door previously lock, or even to dynamite a door that has been bricked over. Perhaps after a few years the friend will come back, perhaps not. New friends will certainly come anyways, they always do. Holding angry close to your heart will only make you an unhappy person. If you are able let this friend go gracefully down his/her separate path, and try to chalk it up to the ebb and flow of love, life and the nature of friendship you will be happier.
I'm so sorry you lost a friend sweetheart. That really sucks, and I'm sure it really hurts. As my life regains some normality I will try to be more there for you than I have been.
thank you. And I have let this friend (by the way it's not anyone you know) go, as gracefully as I could. I see her on a daily basis but find no solace in the idea that I will have to continue to see her. On the other hand I am grateful for the friends that I have that do understand what I have been going thru ** even those friends that don't have children. But are extremely close to neices and nephews, who may not fully grasp what i'm dealing with but understands that I'm not intentionally ignoring them.
As for our friendship, there is never a true need to apologize, only a moment of explaination (which you always give even if it's after the fact) is enough. You my dear are the little sister I've always craved to have. I love you and no matter what I will be your friend. You are apart of my family. We work thru our differences, we hug away any hurt feelings and we stick by each other when things turn hard. I miss you!!
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